Circumcision, Jude Law and Hot Dudes

It's come to my attention that the reason Jude Law's weiner looked odd to me is because he's uncircumcised. I do not have ANYTHING against uncut peni! A matter of fact after much research, I chose not to circumcise my boys. Apparently the research didn't involve checking out uncut, adult male peni. I'm not used to the look. The one I'm used to and enjoy greatly is circumcised, and very lovely might I add. I still find Jude Law to be too hairy for words and no longer on my list of fantasy lays. The following is the post I had cued up before I stumbled upon Jude's furriness and uncut man parts.

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I had a dream about Johnny Depp once. An erotic dream! I had a HUGE crush on him back in the 21 Jump Street days, but not so much since. Since that damn dream though I can't see a picture of him without salivating. I usually don't go for brunettes. Growing up in Southern California, I usually find the surfer boy blondes hot. But as I look at my celebrity crushes and the man I married, maybe I like those dark boys after all. Who knew?

The list:

1. Johnny Depp- I can't get him out of my head since the dream. Since his steller job in Pirates of the Caribbean, my fantasy often includes lots of pirate references. I'm the wench, he's the swashbuckler trying to bury his treasure!

2. Brad Pitt- I know, it's a bit too predictable, but I can't help it! He's FINE! I dare a woman to not want to fuck him after watching Troy!

3. Edward Norton- He's the smart, brooding type that always make my insides go all googly! I thought he was a scrawny white boy until I saw him in American History X (which is an excellent flick and a must see). Oh baby, did he bulk up for that role. Great abs; who knew he was hiding that body underneath that nerdy exterior. Mmmm, me likey!
4. Kevin Spacy- I bet you're thinking I'm loony, but he's got a charisma that I can't resist. I find him smart, charming and delectible! I kinda got the gay vibe from him the last time I saw him interviewed. Is he? It wouldn't change my mind, I'd still like to do the tube steak boogy with him!

5. Viggo Mortensen- YUMMY! So brooding and sexy! Great manly hands and beautiful eyes! Deliciously kissable lips. He fullfills every rescue fantasy I've ever had!

So there it is. I'm sure if I put my mind to it I could come up with a whole new group of celebs I'd like to... but these are the creme de la creme. Enjoy ogling and have a nice day!

UnLAWful

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WARNING:

CONTAINS FULL FRONTAL MALE NUDITY

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I had my post all cued up and ready, but I came across some interesting information I'd like to share. My post was about guys. The one's I fantasize about and the one I'm with. One that I lust over is Jude Law. Well, not any more, people. Sure, he's cute, has a sexy smile and he flaunts all his "good daddy" charm, but let me tell you, the internet revealed that not only is he a nanny humping cad, he has two unsavory body flaws.

The first was shocking to say the least. I googled him to find pictures for my post and I came across one that revealed his manly bits. I don't know what to think of it, but let's just say his penis left me cocking my head (teehee) in bewilderment. I'm not quite sure what to make of it but it looks...odd. The second picture I found was supposed to be some kind of sexy "I'm laying in bed don't you want me" pose. Holy leg hair, Batman!!! EWWW! He looks like Chewbacca's cousin. I never thought I had any strong feelings about leg hair on men, but apparently that's the deal breaker. He's off of my "Celebrities I'd like to fuck" list.

Exhibit A Exhibit B

I Love to Swing (not like THAT you perverts!)

One of the greatest things about being a parent is rediscovering your childhood. One thing I've found out about myself is that I love to swing!

Today was a beautiful early fall day. That smell was in the air; you know the one where the air is crisp, clean, slightly smoky. Everywhere you look the leaves are in various stages of photosynthesis. The colors range from the rich green of late summer to the golden hues of the new season. There was a strong breeze that made the some leaves fall, but others twinkle and twidder on their branches. From the recent rain the ground was ever so slightly damp. The earthy aroma of the dirt made me want to curl my bare toes into it.

It was the perfect afternoon to be outside playing. I had flashbacks of running around, trying to hide from whoever was "it". We would make a people chain from whatever pole, rock, railing or car that was "safe" to help out the few stragglers that were the last to come out of hiding. Today, as I was "convinced" to go outside with the youngest, we started playing on the swingset in the front yard. I pushed him and then got on the other swing. Watching his cherubic smiles, listening to him urge, "higher, Mommy!" Left me feeling joyful-childlike!

We tried to reach the tree in the yard with our feet. Reaching higher and higher, both of us laughing as we grazed the leaves with the tips of our toes. That feeling of flying and the wind blowing in our faces. Being a part of that scene and being a part of one so many years ago.

Serendipity!

I Have A Confession

I have a guilty pleasure. I don't know exactly why I'm so captured. Maybe I'm just like millions of Americans and have voyeuristic tendancies, maybe I just enjoy the idiocy of it all, I'm not sure. However, this is something I've only admitted to my husband. Please don't think less of me after you know my dirty, little secret... I love to watch The Girls Next Door!

If you haven't heard of this show, it's one of the latest reality shows featuring three of Hugh Hefner's SEVEN girlfriends. The three women are blonde, boobiful and one of them is dumber than two rocks. One of the girls is working on her second master's degree, a Phd candidate and her life's dream has been to be in Playboy. The other one is the only one who shares a room with Hef (I call him Hef now, we're tight like that). She's convinced that all the other's will eventually fade away and she'll be the head bitch...er...I mean bunny. It's soooo awful it's good. I can't help but to watch.

This week the Phd candidate was in tears. They finally got their chance to be in the magazine. There was individual and a group photo shoots. One of the group shots was in the shower (how original)! Smarty-pants had to leave to take a final and they went ahead with the shoot with the other two girls. When she found out she was DEV-I-STAT-ED! She cried to Hef and they had to re-shoot with her in the shower with the other two, AWWWW!

This brings me to the conversation I had with my husband. I asked him what would he think if I was naked in a magazine. He said it would depend on my reason for posing nude. I replied, "money?" He said that money wasn't a good reason. A good reason might be if I needed the validation of professionals in that field to approve of my body. I disagreed. I thought that looking to strangers for approval rather than to him (or better yet myself) was an insult to him. So what do you think? What is a good reason to pose nude? Artistic? Personal gratification? Money? And what's the difference between posing nude for Playboy or for an artist doing a painting? More importantly, what's your guilty pleasure? ;-)

Baby Photo Friday

As if you couldn't tell the two black and white photos are Craig & I (he's the goober with the bow tie). As far as the kids photos, at this point I don't know who is who... just kidding, but they do look alike! Have a great weekend!

Ahhhhh Pillow Talk

I get obsessed with stupid stuff sometimes. Something that was on my mind when I went to bed last night was spelling. In a blog comment I wrote light instead of lite. Now I know it's stupid to obsess over stuff like that, I mean really, who gives a shit? But I think coming from a family of extreme overachievers who are totally preoccupied with being smart and being right...you can maybe understand why my mind couldn't let it go. So, my husband, Mr. sensitive will not play into my obsessing because he knows there is NO WAY out when you get into that maze of my psychosis. Here's our "goodnight" banter:

Me: I misspelled lite in that comment I made. I wrote l-i-g-h-t instead of l-i-t-e. I'm an idiot.
Him: Yeah, you'll be known as Dumb Girl. That's okay, you're pretty.
Me: Thanks, you're an asshole! That's okay because you're funny.
Him: Hee, hee goodnight.
Me: Goodnight, Ass!

He refuses to play into my psychosis. He knows that if he said, "Honey, you're not an idiot. You're smart and it was just a silly mistake, don't worry about it." He would still be awake listening to, "I AM an idiot! You're just saying that because you have to. Remember the time I..." and then he'd have to hear about one of the million times I've done something stupid, said the wrong thing or screwed up in some inconsequential way. Poor bastard!

Reality Bites

Okay, I'm not getting my pit cleaned up because I got detoured by Reality Bites and was horrified to see that it's on AMC. What the hell?!?!? You expect to see Singin' in the Rain or An Affair to Remember on American Movie Classics, not REALITY BITES!!!!

I loved this movie. Mostly because Ethan Hawke is so sexy and tortured throughout the whole thing. Too bad he's a womanizing bastard now. Who would cheat on Uma Therman? Gina Gerofilo is an all time favorite actress/comedian. I love her acerbic humor, her fuck-you-all attitude and quirky style.

Takes me back to the early 90's and my college years. Was everyone full of angst and uncertainty or was that just me? Such a confussing time. I would like to go back in time and have a little chat with that girl. Tell her to pull her head out of her ass and reassure her that everything will turn out alright. I know that if she knew everything would turn out alright she wouldn't have made all of those mistakes that brought her here. Who am I kidding? Of course she would've made those mistakes...she was an idiot!

Hats...hats...hats

I'm not the kind of person that has to be busy. I really enjoy reading a good book, watching movies and enjoying the slow ebb and flow of my life. This weekend reminded me that I indeed have many hats and have to adapt to each new situation whether I want to or not.

Friday I went to Helena for my 10 year college reunion(yes, 10 freakin' years). I met up with a dear friend of mine and we went to the school to tour all of the new buildings and see the changes that have happened since we left. Nothing like touring a dorm room and seeing Hello Kitty decorations to make you feel old. The campus was beautiful, but most of our friends and roommates couldn't make it for one reason or another. The social Friday night was a bummer for that very reason. The chicks that used to party like rock stars were home in bed by 11:30 because of kids and other responsibilities. I would liked to have stayed for the football game and party Saturday, but my other hat beckoned.

I came back to help decorate for the big Air Force Anniversary ball Saturday evening. It was very satisfying to see all of the hard work my husbands been doing for months to come to fruition. The ball was a great success! There were a few minor mishaps, but considering there were close to 700 people in attendance, what do you expect? I got a taste of the schmoozing and politicking that goes on in the military. I told Craig that it would have been fun just to be an anonymous face in the crowd. The thank yous we both received were awesome, but after a while it feels weird. I like getting attention, just not that much attention. :-) Craig got biiiiig kudos at work today, so YIPEEEE! I'm glad it's over. Lucky for me, we were so busy I didn't spend hours before obsessing about my dress, hair, shoes, etc. and we looked just fine. The picture is posted on my sisters blog if you want to see it http://rosemont1217.blogspot.com/2005/09/isn.html (she beat me to the punch)!

Sunday seemed a little anticlimactic since the whole thing was over. Nothing like 3 children to snap you back to reality(or hat #3). We spent the afternoon at the soccer field(my older two had games). As I was watching one son run down field with all of the energy of a hummingbird on crack and the two others walk off hand in hand to the park, I thought, "God, it doesn't get better than this!" Life moves onward and I'm just glad to be deeply ensconced in the thick of things. Today is blissfully normal!

AWWWWW

Today I got my hair cut and colored. I usually color my hair myself because I'm cheap, but I have a formal event this weekend and decided to spring for a professional job. My hair lady is a pretty nice woman(aside from the Flock of Seagull style I got today, but I digress). She and I have gradually gotten to know each other over the past 18 months or so. Today she revealed a lot about herself. She started talking about her first marriage and her current one in referrence to the things she automatically sacrificed for her man because it seemed to be what she was "supposed" to do.

She's 45 and grew up in Montana. Generally speaking, girls grow up here and are destined to get married and have babies, not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that most of these girls go away to college, tech school, beauty school and whatnot, but once married with children many give up their own aspirations for their husband. My stylist did just that, both times. Now she's resentful...still...after 17 years of marriage. It sucks and I found myself sitting there listening to her feeling grateful.

I know you all think I'm a bitch. I don't have anything against her, I felt bad for her. It's just I'm a lucky girl to have found the right boy for me. Here's a list of the reasons he's the best thing that ever happened to me and why I'm eternally grateful (if you don't like it, move on...it's MY blog and I'll gush about my guy if I want to):

1) he knew he wanted to marry me after just 3 weeks (which was not according to his long term goals, but what do you do when you're in love?)

2) he goes bra shopping with me

3) when our new kitten destroyed my wedding bouquet (I was drying it out for a keepsake) and I was totally bummed out about it, he went to the florist and bought me one EXACTLY like it.

4) for our 5th anniversary he found out the "gift" for that particular number was wood and made me a wooden jewelry box and put a pendant in it.

5) when I had our first son he told me I grew a beautiful placenta

6) he finds me sexy and tells me

7) he's never asked me to give up my dreams

8) he encourages me to do anything that will make me happy

9) he still makes me laugh so hard I often snort, cry or pee myself

10) the sex has never been better!

I feel like we are the members of this great team. We work hard together and play hard together and we share all of ourselves. I sometimes feel so bad when I'm with a woman whose unhappy in her marriage, especially if the couple fundamentally doesn't understand each other. I feel guilty for having this relationship that is so right for me. I made mistake after mistake with men when I was single and never thought I'd find "the one". Now that I have him, I have to pinch myself at my good fortune. He's a treasure and a blessing and I thank God every day that He stuck us together!

Art For Art's Sake

I'm not a big fan of Western art, however I think I'm self actualized enough to respect any artist for the sake of the art. The city of Great Falls started a public art project two years ago. The project is called The Buffalo Hunt and has two purposes: 1) to create a public art project with broad community appeal and involvement and 2) to endow funds for the museum's education, acquisition and exhibit programs.

The museum commissioned a local sculptor who designed a large scale buffalo that was then sent to a company to be made into 26 fiberglass models. Then the museum had local artists paint the buffalo and they were displayed at various businesses around the city. The businesses sponsored their own buffalo, paying for the model itself and supplies for the artists. The buffalo were then auctioned off on September 10th and grossed nearly $500,000!

I chose a few of our family favorites, but if you'd like to see all of the buffalo and calves go to http://www.cmrussell.org/buffalohunt/index.html.

My family has really enjoyed driving around town and seeing our buffalo friends. Like I said, I'm not a big fan of Western art, but I do appreciate art in general and am proud that my city is doing what it can to support local artists.

Picture Day!

Do you remember picture day at school? I was asked to volunteer today at my sons' school to help with picture day.

I remember when I would get up a little earlier to make sure my coiffure was styled to picture day perfection. Fortunately or unfortunately, I went to Catholic school so I didn't have to worry about what to wear...it was always the blue plaid jumper. I would practice smiling in the mirror after brushing my teeth to make sure I put my best face forward.

I enjoyed spending time with the kids today. Although my unscientific poll shows that only 1 in 20 kids practiced smiling for picture day. When I asked them if they practiced in the mirror, they looked at me like I was some kind of moldy food left in the back of the fridge. Sometime in the last few years I went from someone I thought was hip to geeky-volunteer-mom-at-picture day.

I discovered that the photographers who take school pictures annoy the shit out of me. Whoever thought of telling the kids to say things like "happy monkey" to get them to smile was an idiot. The kids don't smile better after saying those lame phrases. Half the time they have some retarded look on there face from trying to say lame phrase and smile fakely at the same time. And what about the whole "chin down and move your head toward me" bit? They look so unnatural and contorted in a very unflattering way.

All in all picture day was a great success (despite my boys getting filthy before we even left the house this morning)!

I'm Losing My Mind For Sure!

I have watched waaaay too much t.v. lately. I was so depressed yesterday between the news and Oprah. I saw many stories about average people (and celebs on Oprah) helping and yet my government is so sluggish. It's hard to watch and so I've spent part of today pondering glow-in-the dark tattoo ink.

Wouldn't it be awesome to have a tattoo that glows in the dark? Why hasn't anyone invented this magical ink? I think I would get one near my goodies. What fun would that be during some adult playtime!? What about tattoo ink that glitters? I've got to be some kind of genius and need to patent my idea. See? There is an upside to a natural disaster of epic proportions, gives me time to be brilliant!


Okay, I just found this online and I guess I shouldn't be filling out that patent too soon. It's black light tattoo ink.





Then I found this:

Q: Can I get a glow in the dark tattoo?

A: The material that makes something glow-in-the-dark is not suitable for use in tattooing. Something will glow in the dark because it has phosphoresce in it. That material can cause cancer in humans. I have heard that there is safe blacklight tattoo ink, however, a tattoo is permanent, and people have only been using the blacklight ink for a few years. There is no real understanding about the long-term effects. Most of the blacklight ink that I have seen does not look very good as a tattoo anyway. It seems like that ink is much more likely to heal up patchy. No one really knows how long the ink will stay reactive to blacklight. I really cannot recommend something that has that many unknown variables.

Look at what else I discovered:

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Body piercing and tattoos make way. The latest fashion trend to hit the Netherlands is eyeball jewelry. Dutch eye surgeons have implanted tiny pieces of jewelry called "JewelEye" in the mucous membrane of the eyes of six women and one man in cosmetic surgery pioneered by an ophthalmic surgery research and development institute in Rotterdam.The procedure involves inserting a 3.5 mm (0.13 inch) wide 1 piece of specially developed jewelry. The range includes a glittering half-moon or heart into the eye's mucous membrane under local anaesthetic a costof 500 to 1,000 euros ($1,232).

Holy Crap, Batman! What next?

REALLY?

I've lived in Montana for 4 years now. Thank the Lord I am embarking on our final year, not because I don't like the state, but because I still haven't gotten used to receiveing this shit in the mail. This is a page from a catalogue called Cabela's World's Foremost Outfitter. I've never ordered from this catalogue or its company. I don't hunt or fish and yet it magically comes in the mail every year. This page proudly displays baby camo gear (some with ruffles mind you). What the hell!?!?!

Why Do I Torture Myself?

I know that I may not have the best taste in movies, but I think I have an open mind and am willing to watch non-mainstream movies to broaden my horizons. For example I rented the Big Lebowski (several years back) just to see if it was up to snuff with other Coen movies (Fargo, Raising Arizona, O Brother Where Art Thou. All works of art, all must sees that I know and love.) Well, aside from making me crave white Russians, I thought the movie sucked! It was a waste of 2 hours of my life. Two hours I can never get back. Maybe I just didn't get it, whatever IT is.

I'm starting to realize that I am a gullible movie watcher. I believe the hype. I think something will be worth my while and then it blows chunks. Tonight's vomit fest was Dallas 362. I read an article in my local newspaper (mistake numero uno) where they praised Scott Caan (James' son) for writing, directing and starring in this big piece of shit. I never really thought he was a great actor, but I thought, "hey he's James Caan's son, he might have a talent for writing and direction, give it a shot." Stupid, stupid, stupid. Clearly I bought the hype hook, line and sinker and wasted, yet again, my precious time. I can't really say one good thing about the movie.

I always think it's awesome, on the flip side, when you watch a movie that you expect to suck and it turns out to be surprisingly good. An example of this would be any recommendation my husband gives me. See, I always think he's going to recommend a guy movie that will be gory and awful, but he's been brilliant in dragging me to The Usual Suspects, The Saint, O Brother Where Art Thou, and recently rented Sin City. All of which I enjoyed. Sin City is gory. A comic book movie, but incredibly made, beautifully artistic and gave me a new appreciation for Mickey Rourke whom I usually think is the creepiest man on the planet.

It turns out, I'm the one who has the shitty taste picking out movies. I drug him to see Must Love Dogs thinking you can't go wrong with John Cusack. Yuck! I keep giving these romantic comedies a whirl. I'm hoping that I'll find a Bridget Jones, or When Harry Met Sally, Amelie, An Affair to Remember, take your pick. Instead I watch Jersey Girl, Little Black Book and Raising Helen. All of which were so awful, I'm embarrassed to have admitted watching them .

I only wrote this blog to bitch about how sucky Dallas 362 was. I needed to vent. I hope I may have done some public service. Scott Caan, SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!

Family Circus

We went to the circus tonight and my husband said, "I'm glad we did this. Now we don't have to do it ever again!"

It's easy to commiserate with him when it costs a family of 5 $80 just for tickets!!! What??!?!?! Since when did a night of family fun have to cost a mint? Although, watching their faces light up when the elephants came in the ring trunk to tail, it's almost worth the dough.

I've often wondered about circus people. Is it as romantic as we all thought as teenagers? You know, when you were so pissed off at your parents and their "totally unfair" treatment of you that you considered running away and joining the circus? You would discover that you had quite a talent for the trapeze. You started designing your glittery unitard with matching feather head dress. You just knew you were going to be so famous and so loved that your parents would come watch your act after many years of estrangement. They would see you flying through the air, with your costume glittering and the crowd cheering. They would be moved to tears and suddenly feel so bad for their shabby treatment of you. They would hug you and kiss you and tell you how they were so wrong, wrong wrong.

Well, part of me sees that dream and then the other part notices the trailers parked outside the circus venue. I doubt it's very glamorous traveling from city to city, living out of a trailer. I was imaginging tonight that there has to be some sort of circus people hierarchy. The ring master would have to be the big daddy of them all. Then you would have the Cossack and their glorious horses. You know they're revered (can you say hunka, hunka burnin' love?). Then the family of acrobats, the pretty girls who egg on the crowd and the motorcycle guys who ride like the devil in that metal sphere. Of course after the clowns I bet the whole class system would go down hill from there. The poor guys that haul around the equipment, setting up the stools for the elephants and carting it away and such. The souvenir folks are probably loooooow on the totem pole. Don't get me started on the poor bastard that has to clean up after the animals. So how do you suppose someone would come up with that life choice?

"No, I don't want to go to college, mom, I'm going to join the circus and sell snow cones in tiger cups for $10 a piece. Yeah, that's the life for me!" Or "I don't want to join the military, but I do want to travel...hmmm...I've got it! I'll join the circus and clean up elephant poo!"

I'm not knocking it. I think everyone has to figure out what's right and what works for them. It sure would be an interesting life in the circus, I'm certain it isn't dull. So God Bless you guy from Rio de Janeiro who can bend your body like a pretzel! The Roblyer family really enjoyed your performance tonight!

Hurricane Relief

http://truthlaidbear.com/katrinarelief.php

I donated to the American Red Cross if you're interested. I appreciated MadGayHousewife and STB for directing me to the above link. I think Stephen is so right when he says that we're all connected. It's impressive what we can do with this form of communication. Something we might have taken for granted, but not in light of what we've born witness to over these past several days.

When you see, you have no right to turn your back and do nothing.

Thank You and God Bless!
Mary