I want to be one of the cool kids

In light of the Katrina tragedy, I know this is a lame post, however, I needed a distraction and this provided me (I'm ashamed to say) with a couple of hours off from the news.

I've been blog surfing again. I've found that many bloggers have a list. You know the one I'm talking about...the list about themselves. Now, I've just made some blogging friends and I thought I didn't want to bore or scare them off with my list, but I can't help it...I'm self-centered, self-absorbed and self-involved, so I just HAD to compile my own list of 100 random things about ME!

1. I'm the youngest of nine.

2. I can pout and manipulate with the best of them because I'm the youngest of nine.

3. I got engaged to my husband 3 1/2 weeks after meeting. We were married a year later and just had our 9th anniversary.

4. I have 3 dogs one of which is female. She's the youngest of nine too and I think she understands me on a deep level.

5. I used to be a teacher. I liked teaching 2nd and 3rd grade the most (there's not enough money in the world to make me teach Kindergarten again).

6. I love autumnal colors.

7. Red lipstick makes me feel sexy, I wear it A LOT.

8. I'm afraid of driving on bridges.

9. I won a blue ribbon at the state fair for cherry pit spitting.

10. Laundry is the bane of my existence.

11. I jumped out of a perfectly good plane and lived to tell about it.

12. I want to run a marathon one day.

13. I'm a short, dark, hairy Italian girl and I have two sisters with red hair and freckles (yes, same two parents).

14. I had a Donny and Marie lunch box in grade school and used to dance in the living room to their variety show.

15. I have 2 tattoos.

16. I can't ride a bike well at all.

17. I played basketball for 7 years.

18. I love gin! I also enjoy vodka, well and beer...pina colatas are my froo froo drink of choice, then there's Captn' and coke. I think peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate is one of my favorite things about winter. I could go on, but I don't want to put my drink down and typing with one hand is getting to be a pain.

19. I have a bird phobia (they're rats with wings).

20. I went to Catholic grade school and college (read: many hang ups).

21. I HATE lima beans.

22. I love food and cooking (except lima beans).

23. I actually went to an MC Hammer concert my first year of college (Can't touch this).

24. Romance novels make me horny.

25. I secretly LOOOOOVE my husbands stupid humor, but I tell him it drives me crazy.

26. My husband and I met at a bar where I spotted him dancing alone. I had to guzzle my Red Dog beer to get the courage to dance with him, therefore, I made the first move.

27. I wish I could pee standing up.

28. If I don't check on my boys before I go to bed I can't sleep.

29. I had braces.

30. I was in 2 car accidents at 16 and 18, but haven't been in one since.

31. Little Women was my first favorite book and started my love of reading.

32. I still have my first copy of Little Women given to me by my older sister.

33. There are 17 years between my eldest sibling and me. We are very close!

34. My husband knows all of my secrets.

35. I was an aunt when I was 4.

36. I was an unplanned pregnancy (You think? She had an IUD implanted).

37. I had an unplanned pregnancy.

38. My boobs grew 3 cup sizes in high school (A when I started D when I graduated. That wasn't traumatic at all).

39. My husband and I rarely yell, but often bicker and we both diffuse stressful arguments with stupid and often sarcastic humor.

40. I think pedicures are beautifully decidant.

41. I yell at the tv.

42. I've always talked to myself. When I was little I did this on the toilet which was great entertainment for my siblings.

43. I've had 2 nicknames: Memee and Mow Mow...I've hated them both.

44. I have dreams about playing basketball.

45. I have a reccuring dream about skipping college classes and then going for the final where I can't locate the room, I'm totally unprepared and scared out of my mind.

46. I'm an ex-smoker.

47. I still miss cigarettes.

48. I think about cigarettes a lot, but will NEVER start smoking again.

49. I don't go to church any more, but I refuse to call myself an ex-Catholic.

50. I've only been to the movies by myself twice and only once as an adult.

51. I've never broken a bone (well, my finger playing basketball, but no cast, so that doesn't count).

52. I'm a cryer. I cry at movies, sappy commercials, when I'm mad, sad and happy.

53. Despite living around 2 great ski areas, I have never snow skiid.

54. I'm slightly lactose intolerant.

55. I think Jeff Corwin from Animal Planet is foxy.

56. In grade school I thought I made up the phrase "I'm warm for your form".

57. I wore white angora-type leg-warmers with my blue plaid uniform in 4th and 5th grade.

58. I get emotionally attached to clothes. For example, I still have the shirt Craig was wearing the night we met and my ugly-ass prom dress.

59. I have a pink Kitchen Aid stand mixer (that one's for you Jay).

60. My husband and I bake Christmas goodies for our friends and neighbors every year.

61. I watch Food Network all the time and have a crush on Bobby Flay. Iron Chef America rocks!

62. I've recently come to terms with the fact that I'm dorky. I used to think that only my husband was a dork, but now I realize that I'm a HUGE dork, and I'm okay with that.

63. My second tattoo was inked in NYC. Two of my sisters got tattoos with me.

64. I hate my first tattoo (I should know better than to get a tattoo in a trailer from a guy named Wild Bill. What can I say, I was 21, and stoned, not my finest moment).

65. I collect mis-matched china.

66. I lived in Germany for 3 years as a child.

67. My best friend in grade school was named Mary too.

68. My brother Chris hated me while growing up (he's #8), now we're great friends and he still feels guilty about all the torturing.

69. My sons carry the best qualities of me and my husband.

70. I was never really driven about my own personal goals. I always wanted a simple life with someone who loved me just the way I was (I got that in aces).

71. My father-in-law married my husbands aunt. We tell people we have a family pole instead of a family tree.

72. I have a potty mouth.

73. My parents never cussed while we were growing up and most of us have gutter mouths.

74. I gave birth 4 times with no pain medication (that's my BIG claim to fame, although I want to add it wasn't on purpose. Craig thinks I'm such a stud and brags about me).

75. I'm self conscious about my back (no hump or anything, it's just not a good back).

76. I hated my 3rd grade teacher.

77. I'm short and have almost always had big boobs, so people describe me as, "You know Mary, short...big boobs".

78. I've thought long and hard about boob surgery. I can't decide. Part of me loves that they worked to the best of their ability to nourish my children and excite my husband and I don't ever want to change them. The other part of me wants cute, perky boobs and would love to go braless on a regular basis.

79. I like the word boobs, tits...not so much. Breasts is a little impersonal and clinical. Boobs...nice.

80. 7 IS my lucky number

81. I'm a New Year's baby

82. I have terrible road rage

83. I often rant about injustices to me or others, but I'm awful at confrontation.

84. I once was an audience member at the Arsenio Hall show (it was lame, Hulk Hogan, Peter Scelar and Mike Tyson were his guests).

85. I've lost 2 of my sons in Wal-mart on seprate occasions and one in my own house (he fell asleep under my bed). Luckily they were all found safe and sound.

86. I find funny men incredibly sexy, examples of sexy, funny men in my book: My Husband, John Stuart, David Lettermen, Johnny Knoxville, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Kilborn, Jamie Fox, Denis Leary, Eddie Murphy, I could go on, but this list is taking me five years to complete so...

87. I'm still obsessing about the spelling of skiid on #53. Is it skiid, skied, skiied???

88. Oh, I'm a terrible speller.

89. I've been known to be petty and gruge-holding.

90. I always know exactly how to tell someone off a few days AFTER they've pissed me off.

91. When my husband cleans the kitchen or takes out the garbage I consider it foreplay.

92. I like burnt cheese.

93. I dig reference books.

94. I read the obituaries and sometimes cry over them.

95. I had a cat named Mittens growing up. He died when I was in college. I've never been able to bond with a cat since then.

96. Julia Roberts brother, Eric Roberts gives me the willies.

97. I do some of my best thinking and day-dreaming in the shower.

98. I'm observant and can read people pretty well.

99. I've never considered myself girly, but I love make-up, shoes and accessories A LOT!

100. It's taken me far too long to make this list, which makes me think I'm not very interesting, BUT I'm good in bed, so who needs a personality? :-)

Words I thought would never come out of my mouth

1. Why are you naked again?
2. Is that poop on your sock?
3. Stop hitting your brother or I'll beat you!
4. Eat your fries so you can have dessert.
5. I'm too tired for sex, honey.
6. I don't care about fair I care about quiet.
7. I miss going to work.
8. If you clog that toilet again, I'm going to drive you to McDonald's the next time you have to
poop.
9. You're out of clean underwear? Go borrow your brothers.
10. Listen to what I mean not what I say. (Huh???)

It's sad, I know, I'm not proud of those moments. But that's what happens sometimes when you're a parent. What prompted this post is I said #2 just this morning. I've said it before and I'll say it again, being the mother of 3 boys and living with the man that I do, I'm destined to be surrounded by the pungent odor of feet and ass.

*********************************************

BTW, today's a better day than yesterday. I always feel better when the sun is shining! I am quite disturbed, however, by the images of the South on the TV. I've been watching MSNBC and CNN all morning and I'm horrified at the devastation. What sucks about technology and getting the news as it happens is it makes you feel so helpless. I have such a strong urge to do something, but what? Any ideas how a housewife in Montana can do something productive for those poor souls in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama?

The Cycles of Life

Yesterday was the kids first day of school. I have a first grader and a second grader and my 3 year old starts preschool next week. He was very sad to say good-bye to his brothers yesterday. He cried as a dropped them off at their classrooms. Then he said he wanted to go to school and I told him it didn't start until next week. "Yes, I do go to my school now, mommy! I'm a BIIIIIIG boy!"

He punished me for a bit because he was so bummed out. Temper tantrums suck! I never quite know what to do. I understand he's pissed and want him to get it out, but on the flip side it makes me crazy! I have to try really hard not to totally lose it! He did come up to me while I was reading and said, "I love you too, Mommy!" Which always gets to me because he says, "too" as if I said it first! He really is so sweet when he wants to be, strong willed, but sweet none the less.

I've really been looking forward to the kids going back to school because I wanted to get back into a routine. Instead, I feel kind of sad about the whole thing. I'm sad that summer has come to an end. I'm sad that my kids have this whole other life apart from me that I don't even see. I'm sad because it's grey and rainy outside and I hate gloomy days. I try to cheer myself up by saying, "We need the rain, it's good for the farmers", but that didn't seem to help. I'm also sad because I miss my mom.

My mom died January 10, 2004. She had multiple sclerosis for a long time along with other various illnesses. The end was slow and painful. Her birthday was August 9th. This year on that date the shuttle landed and we looked back at Hiroshema and Nagasaki. All I kept thinking as the news went on and on about those stories was, "Don't you know today is my mom's birthday and she's dead!" How sad is that?

Since she was an Air Force wife and now I am, I often think of her in the context of events in my life and I so wish she were here to give me advice. This summer I saw so many friends whose mother's visited and spent special time with their grandchildren. I was green with envy!

I don't have that dull ache in my heart like I did watching her waist away to 80 pounds. That was a pain deep inside that I could never describe. What I have now is just a missing. I miss her and long for the comfort only she can bring to me. I have such an awesome life. My husband is an incredible man. My kids bring me so much joy, but I still can't get over missing her so much!

What's up with R Kelley?

For you fellow MTV generation cats, have you been watching the VMA's? Now, I know R. Kelley is an odd dude, to say the least, but holy crap! His performance was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. It was part music video-ish and part soap opera, but mostly crazy dude ranting.

Hello! The Killers were awesome! Lil' Kim has had so much plastic surgery, she doesn't even look like Lil' Kim any more. I thought the purple outfit and boob pasty was a bit over the top, but she was cute. Now she's kinda ghetto barbie scary!

More later! The show's not over

See what I mean?!

This was an email that was forwarded to me by my college roommate. It proves my point in my last post about personal grooming. I'm pretty sure the story is fictitious, but it's very funny. I've done some stupid things (I know, shocking, but true), but this, is right up there for fucktard of the month award (thank you Breakfast Bitches for that awesome word!).

By the way, what is it lately with the obsession with hair removal? Now, a woman wanting to get rid of facial hair is perfectly understandable, but now it's as if you're not with it unless your body is as bald as a Kojak's dome. What's up with that? And how many people are checking out your bikini area to make sure you're up with the latest trends? Granted, I make sure there aren't any dark and curlies peeping out of my bikini, but really, Brazilian? OUCH!!!!

Here's the story, hope you enjoy!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal; the epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...The wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...Right!) I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...Must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off! " What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???" *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, my dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.....

Men Suck!

Okay, I don't really mean that. Personal grooming just puts me in a bad mood, especially toward men. So we have a formal event to go to tonight. I was really getting pissed last night as I was getting a backache from painting my toe nails. That got me on a roll.

We dye our hair, wax, pluck, shave, paint, pat, line and it's all such a pain in the ass, literally and figuratively. My husband gets out of the shower, runs a razor across his face, gets dressed and he's gone. Whoa! It's enough to make me want to poison his pot roast!

And another thing...

Why is it that whenever there's a time when you want to look your best you have to put up with zits? I swear, backne (that's back acne) is the bane of my existence. When I want to look elegant and classy, I get a big red zit somewhere. In this case it's on my back, just in time for me to put a formal on that displays what?...MY BACK!!!

When I was in the wonderfully awkward throes of puberty I had clear, beautifully olive skin. Now, I'm in my thirties and I have zits. Zits on my face, zits on my neck, zits on my chest, zits on my back. Now granted, it's not as if I'm covered in boils, but I won't be in the next Dove ad either. I thought if you lived through the agony that is your teen years, and then survived the insanity of your twenties, it would be relatively smooth sailing. Well, not entirely, but at least with my appearance. I think I might be more insecure now than I was in high school. Oh now that's embarrassing to admit!

Are we destined, as women, to be obsessed with grooming? The cosmetic industry is banking on that. I wish I didn't care, but I'm finding that the girly girl in me can't cope without trying to look my best. I just wish that "my best" didn't include Nair and benzoyl peroxide!

This will be me!

I've decided I want to run a marathon. I'm not sure when this will happen because my timing, as usual, sucks. If I started training now, I could conceivably run a marathon in December. Considering I live in Montana, December is out. I looked into running one in Mobile, AL where we'll be visiting over the holidays, but the one there wouldn't be until January 15. A little late with the kids' school schedule.

So, I don't know exactly when, but I will run a marathon. I originally set the goal for my 4oth birthday. That gives me 7 years to train. I'm rethinking that goal because I can't wait that long. I was checking out some running blogs, and I really got inspired. For the first time ever, I've actually considered running a marathon an attainable goal. Since I just started running in January, and even though I've only run as far as 4 miles, I think it's awesome that I have this much confidence! We'll talk after training begins!

Pat Robertson is a Boob

Sometimes it's hard to be an American. The fact that Pat Robertson and I both happen to have been born in America doesn't mean I want him to speak for me. The world community hears what he says and then they have more fuel to hate us. Don't get me wrong, I support our right to free speech, I think that's what makes our country so awesome. I just wish that extremists like Robertson wouldn't exercise his right on national television.

Pat Robertson, king of the 700 Club and once Republican Presidential candidate, with a ginormous evangelical following, said that we should just take out, as in assassinate, the president of Venezuela. Okay, Hugo Chavez is a dictator and not a good guy, but come on! Don't you think it's ironic that Pat Robertson is a member of the Christian Coalition? Someone who believes/follows Christ's teachings is saying, on television mind you, that we should just off another human being. His reasoning had something to do with the fact that Venezuela is the second largest supplier of oil to the US. Rather than have another war, we should just go kill this guy. Now Donald Rumsfeld and various other White House staffers have to officially deny that there is a hit on said dictator.

The world doesn't like us enough as it is, but now we have to have Pat Robertson the voice of America? He's the A-hole the White House is responding to? I just wish I didn't give a rats ass and then maybe I wouldn't be so damn embarrassed that world wide impressions of us are made by Pat Fucking Robertson. Thanks!

Blog Surfing

My Husband said that blogging would be good for me because I would get to be a part of a world that doesn't include cartoons, leggos, food preparation, Band-aids, runny noses, interrupted showers (not in the good way), and all the other endless duties that come with being a stay at home mom. Well, I hate to say it, but he was right.

I went surfing the site to check out some other blogs and was happy to discover others like me. I have a theory that, aside from treating the women like slaves, the Amish have a good thing living the way they do. Being a stay at home mom can be lonely. It would be nice to wash dishes, prepare meals and clean as a team. I love being home with my kids, but you do lose yourself in the minutia. I went to college, I read and lately I feel like my brain can't grasp the most idiotic of concepts. My vocabulary has gone to shit, and when composing new entries for this blog, I have nothing of any interest to write.

But, I find myself comforted by reading other blogs, even with people I don't have much in common with. It's cheesy, but feeling connected, even through cyber space is an awesome thing. I can find people who enjoy the books I do, I can connect with other moms, I can read incredible, original poetry, view beautiful photographs and I can express my opinion of just about anything without being censored. How amazing is that? Being home all day with little people isn't as lonely then.

Runnin',runnin' and runnin,' runnin'...

I ran a 5K this morning and I didn't pass out on the side of the road or vomit. Considering the amount of spit I watched fly around from the other runners (the guys, go figure) I'm pretty proud about the not barfing part.

I was really doing well working out, which is a whole new experience for me. I played sports in high school , but other than the occasional aerobics class, I never really "worked out". I've been out of high school for fifteen years, so I thought it was about time I take my health and fitness seriously. Besides, this is the first time in 9 years I haven't been pregnant or nursing a baby, so what the hell.

I started working out and eating healthy after the first of the year. By May I had lost a good 15 pounds (I'm only 5'2 so that was a lot), was down a couple of sizes and I never felt better. June came and my routine was shot to shit. Between going on vacation and my kids summer activities, I lost momentum. This morning was the shot in the arm I needed. I ran slow and I had to stop off and on, but I feel great now. Just getting up early, being outside and getting my blood flowing made all the difference in the world. I'm pumped now!

tired mom

My guys 

You ever have one of those days where you're just in a funk? It's not like you're really depressed, just...bluhg. I don't even know what the hell's going on. I can't even blame PMS.

I tried to dig myself out of the funk by going to the movies with the guy I live with. We went to see that romantic comedy Must Love Dogs. I'm a huge John Cusak fan so I thought the movie would really lift my spirits. Not so much. First of all poor John doesn't look all that great. He's usually so cute and quirky, just the way I like 'em, but not in this movie. Secondly, the movie only had marginally funny parts. I really needed a good laugh, so you can imagine my disappointment. The best part of the movie is the sister relationship, but still a little unrealistic. The sisters didn't get on each other's nerves and have enough bad hair and food issues for my taste!