The Cycles of Life

Yesterday was the kids first day of school. I have a first grader and a second grader and my 3 year old starts preschool next week. He was very sad to say good-bye to his brothers yesterday. He cried as a dropped them off at their classrooms. Then he said he wanted to go to school and I told him it didn't start until next week. "Yes, I do go to my school now, mommy! I'm a BIIIIIIG boy!"

He punished me for a bit because he was so bummed out. Temper tantrums suck! I never quite know what to do. I understand he's pissed and want him to get it out, but on the flip side it makes me crazy! I have to try really hard not to totally lose it! He did come up to me while I was reading and said, "I love you too, Mommy!" Which always gets to me because he says, "too" as if I said it first! He really is so sweet when he wants to be, strong willed, but sweet none the less.

I've really been looking forward to the kids going back to school because I wanted to get back into a routine. Instead, I feel kind of sad about the whole thing. I'm sad that summer has come to an end. I'm sad that my kids have this whole other life apart from me that I don't even see. I'm sad because it's grey and rainy outside and I hate gloomy days. I try to cheer myself up by saying, "We need the rain, it's good for the farmers", but that didn't seem to help. I'm also sad because I miss my mom.

My mom died January 10, 2004. She had multiple sclerosis for a long time along with other various illnesses. The end was slow and painful. Her birthday was August 9th. This year on that date the shuttle landed and we looked back at Hiroshema and Nagasaki. All I kept thinking as the news went on and on about those stories was, "Don't you know today is my mom's birthday and she's dead!" How sad is that?

Since she was an Air Force wife and now I am, I often think of her in the context of events in my life and I so wish she were here to give me advice. This summer I saw so many friends whose mother's visited and spent special time with their grandchildren. I was green with envy!

I don't have that dull ache in my heart like I did watching her waist away to 80 pounds. That was a pain deep inside that I could never describe. What I have now is just a missing. I miss her and long for the comfort only she can bring to me. I have such an awesome life. My husband is an incredible man. My kids bring me so much joy, but I still can't get over missing her so much!