Mary, Mary why ya buggin'?

Random thoughts and musings from an oversexed housewife.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Celebrate Adoption

I'm so lucky that adoption never had any stigma attached to it for me. My eldest sister adopted two boys and another sister placed a baby for adoption when she was 16. Each of us has a different perspective because the process was different for each of us. My sister who adopted has one adoption that's open and one that's not. My other sister's adoption was entirely closed. I think that plagues her today. Her son would be 28 years old and she has no idea where he is or even if he knows he was adopted. There's no contact, no pictures just wondering.

My adoption is as open as you can get. I chose Gabby’s parents in my third trimester. I spoke with her forever dad on the phone and set a date to meet him and his wife a week later. As fate would have it, I went into labor early and I met them while I was on the delivery table shortly after Gabby was born. It was during that meeting that I saw the hand of God working in my life. I know that may sound kooky, but it's the truth, so I don't care if it makes me sound like a holy roller.

They told me how beautiful she was and asked me if I chose a name. I said I had chosen Gabrielle because it means sent by God. They said that they had picked two girls names, Isabella and Gabriella, so her name became Gabriella. Amazing!

The next several days were emotional because she was five weeks early. She couldn't go home from the hospital because her lungs were at a crucial stage in development. The hospital where she was born didn't have the ability to properly care for her so she and I took a plane ride to another city with the facilities for her care. Her parents transported my mom in their car. We all met up at the hospital and took vigil by this angel, praying that she would quickly recover.

Those days we all got to know each other. Her forever mom told me that she could see how much I loved her and that she loves me and would understand if I wanted to change my mind. I had previously told myself that once I involve a couple into this adoption thing that was not turning back. I wouldn’t have called them if I wasn’t sure of my decision. So, when she said that it floored me. She had just as much love and emotion vested into this relationship with this baby as I did. She was being so loving and so selfless. I didn’t need any more confirmation that my decision was right on. I was lead in the right direction and this couple was sent to me to parent my child.

Our relationship has blossomed ever since. They are godparents to my middle son. We spend time at dance recitals and swim meets for Gabby. They have a second daughter and all of us, as a family get together. The girls went camping with us this summer and last spring the boys stayed with them for the weekend while Craig and I went to a wedding in Chicago. Gabby never wonders where she came from. She knows how much she’s loved. Total honesty has worked for us. I can’t recommend open adoption enough. It has helped me remain close to my birth child and yet move on with my own life.

I wish the media would show more realistic adoption stories. You always see the adoption that went wrong, the birth mother who changed her mind or the adoptive parents who kept secrets from their child. I also get frustrated with people’s responses to adoptions. To an adoptive couple they might say, “Oh you are both so wonderful to rescue that unwanted baby. What person could give away their child?” To birthmother’s they say things like, “you’re such a hero,” how can I be a hero and also be the ogre who just “gave away my baby”? It’s never made any sense to me. I did what was right for me and for Gabby. I wasn’t ready to be a parent. That’s not an easy thing to admit when you’re 23. I was about to graduate from college, it wasn’t as if I was 15 and still in school. But I knew that parenting was a tough job and I knew I would be doing it alone. I wasn’t ready. I knew as soon as I spent any time with the parents I chose for her that I’d made the right decision. We had an adoption ceremony when I signed my relinquishment papers. It was a difficult time, but I didn’t once doubt my decision.

Before Gabby went home with her parents she and I and my mom spent a couple of days together in a foster home. My mom and I were able to bond with her and tell her how much we loved her. When it was time we had an adoption ceremony. I signed my relinquishment papers and we exchanged prayers, hopes and dreams for her future and our future. The experience was bitter- sweet. I was sure of my decision and yet I was very sad. Saying good-bye, watching them leave with her while my mom and I left empty handed was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

In retrospect, the whole experience made me more confident in myself and my ability to cope. I was also able to become closer to my mom. We connected in a way that I never thought possible before that time. She supported me with the open adoption when other family members could not and she helped me through when I know that she was suffering along with me. The magical thing is that I gained so much from my adoption story. I learned a lot about love. I think that's what makes so many of these life experiences so scary. To really love someone you make yourself so vulnerable and so open to get hurt. It was in loving Gabby and her parents that I learned that it's okay to put yourself out there like that. When you make yourself so open, sure you can get slammed, but the reward is so awesome! The love that returns to you is a miracle. I try to tell people that I felt God had chosen me to be a vessle to carry this child for someone else. After I got through the pain of losing her, I saw all that was gained. I'm very grateful that I had her and that my life was changed in such a positive way.

Here's an odd tidbit, my eldest son and Gabby share the same birthdate. They are 3 years apart in age and very similar in personality. They get along famously. They refer to each other as half brother and sister--a word I never used with CJ. I let them define thier own relationship. Luckily, all the kids get along so well. They love and support each other without any coaching from thier parents. It's so awesome to see them all together. It makes me so proud that this is my family.

(The first picture above is during the adoption ceremony when Gabby was placed in her parents arms. The second picture is of my mom and I giving Gabby a bath at the foster home where we stayed with her for a couple of days before the ceremony. The next picture is of me, Gabby, her parents, my mom and her other grandparents the day of the ceremony. The final picture is of all the kids at the lake this summer. For the life of me I can't figure out how to put captions under the pictures without jacking up the text. Sorry!)

10 Comments:

  • At 6:06 PM, Blogger Trudy Booty Scooty said…

    Wow, Mary...

    I don't even have words to express it..

    Wonderful....

    and thank you so much for sharing your story..

    hugsss (the word verification for my reply right now is "inlovjjt" Kind off neat after reading such a great post. :) )

     
  • At 8:06 AM, Blogger John Q. Public esq. said…

    Wow, well done... very well done, on a lot of levels...

    thanks you for opening the door into your life.

    JQP

     
  • At 11:39 AM, Blogger Cookie said…

    Thanks for sharing your story Mary. I wonder do you attribute the success of your adoption? You are a rarity I believe. How much contact do you have with your daughter?

     
  • At 11:39 AM, Blogger Cookie said…

    Thanks for sharing your story Mary. I wonder do you attribute the success of your adoption? You are a rarity I believe. How much contact do you have with your daughter?

     
  • At 1:05 PM, Blogger WarriorM said…

    Hey Trudy and JQP, thanks for your support. I get so much out of reading your blogs! I really appreciate you taking the time to visit mine and giving me all those good vibes!

    Cookie,(long reply, sorry)

    A HUGE contributing factor to the success of my adoption is my social worker at Catholic Social Services. Her name is Sister Noel and I believe that she's an incredible human being.

    I was lucky becuase I recieved counseling very early in my pregnancy. I tried to be as informed as I could and I trusted my faith to help me through. I spoke at an adoption celebration and met other birth mothers and adoptive parents, I am not that rare. With more education regarding open adoption there are more happy stories.

    One key is support and education for the adoptive couple, birth parents and adoptees. I think a real short coming to private adoptions is that the counseling component is overlooked. The parties involved need to get support from a professional that will not have a vested interest in the outcome. Meaning that an attorny in a private adoption will not advocate for the birth mother to keep, if that's her decision.

    My social worker was supporting either decision for me and she had the support staff to educate those seeking to adopt, so that when we met we were speaking the same language. If we, as those invloved with adoption, can educate ourselves, than we can better educate the public.

    I talk to Gabby and her parents quite often. She's a little over an hour away so I can attend her swim meets and dance recitals. We see each other every couple of months and talk on the phone every month or so. The relationship is not just with Gabby and I, it extends family to family. We're all close.

     
  • At 2:47 PM, Blogger Rosie said…

    Okay, once I again I'm crying while reading your post! Sheesh! I should probably blog my story since they are both so radically different.

    One point I'd like to reiterate that you make in your story. There is so much misconception and rot out there about adoption. As a consequence it has some sort of almost mystical proportions for some people.

    As adoptive parents my guy and I want people to know the depth of love and awe we have for birth mothers with the courage to chose adoption. I can't imagine going through life without children, and I wouldn't have been a parent without this selfless sacrifice.

     
  • At 9:06 PM, Blogger I n g e r said…

    I tried to post a few days ago but the damn thing seized up on me and kicked me out.

    What I TRIED to say was: how amazing! Your story--and Gabby's--is breathtaking, and beautiful. I read somewhere that 80% of adoptions that start out with promises of openness end up closing down, tight as a drum, leaving birthmoms in the dark, or the cold. I always thought it could only be better to let more people love kids--not to restrict the love. What you've been able to engineer with your choices--I mean, honestly, it's just beautiful.

    Thanks so much for sharing, Mary.

     
  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger sjobs said…

    Mary-I am sitting here in tears after reading your post. Adoption is a wonderful thing to celebrate and without it I wouldn't be a parent.

    It is so nice to hear that you still have a relationship with Gabby and her family.

    Thank you so much for sharing your personal story.

     
  • At 6:32 PM, Blogger Mouthy Girl said…

    Your story's stunned me into silence. I sat here, open-mouthed as I read your words and felt more emotions than I have in days and days.

    You are a truly selfless person, Mary. I admire your tenacity, loving nature, and honesty. May more people come into contact with you so they can share in the wonderful woman, wife, mother, daughter, and friend you are.

     
  • At 8:38 PM, Blogger WarriorM said…

    WOW! You people can really make a girl feel good about herself! I'm going to come back to these comments when I'm having a blue day, just for a little pick-me-up! Thank you all so much for your kindness and support.

    This just proves my point that when you throw caution to the wind and make yourself open, love just floats back your way!

     

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