I'm so lucky that adoption never had any stigma attached to it for me. My eldest sister adopted two boys and another sister placed a baby for adoption when she was 16. Each of us has a different perspective because the process was different for each of us. My sister who adopted has one adoption that's open and one that's not. My other sister's adoption was entirely closed. I think that plagues her today. Her son would be 28 years old and she has no idea where he is or even if he knows he was adopted. There's no contact, no pictures just wondering.
My adoption is as open as you can get. I chose Gabby’s parents in my third trimester. I spoke with her forever dad on the phone and set a date to meet him and his wife a week later. As fate would have it, I went into labor early and I met them while I was on the delivery table shortly after Gabby was born. It was during that meeting that I saw the hand of God working in my life. I know that may sound kooky, but it's the truth, so I don't care if it makes me sound like a holy roller.
They told me how beautiful she was and asked me if I chose a name. I said I had chosen Gabrielle because it means sent by God. They said that they had picked two girls names, Isabella and Gabriella, so her name became Gabriella. Amazing!
The next several days were emotional because she was five weeks early. She couldn't go home from the hospital because her lungs were at a crucial stage in development. The hospital where she was born didn't have the ability to properly care for her so she and I took a plane ride to another city with the facilities for her care. Her parents transported my mom in their car. We all met up at the hospital and took vigil by this angel, praying that she would quickly recover.
Those days we all got to know each other. Her forever mom told me that she could see how much I loved her and that she loves me and would understand if I wanted to change my mind. I had previously told myself that once I involve a couple into this adoption thing that was not turning back. I wouldn’t have called them if I wasn’t sure of my decision. So, when she said that it floored me. She had just as much love and emotion vested into this relationship with this baby as I did. She was being so loving and so selfless. I didn’t need any more confirmation that my decision was right on. I was lead in the right direction and this couple was sent to me to parent my child.
Our relationship has blossomed ever since. They are godparents to my middle son. We spend time at dance recitals and swim meets for Gabby. They have a second daughter and all of us, as a family get together. The girls went camping with us this summer and last spring the boys stayed with them for the weekend while Craig and I went to a wedding in Chicago. Gabby never wonders where she came from. She knows how much she’s loved. Total honesty has worked for us. I can’t recommend open adoption enough. It has helped me remain close to my birth child and yet move on with my own life.
I wish the media would show more realistic adoption stories. You always see the adoption that went wrong, the birth mother who changed her mind or the adoptive parents who kept secrets from their child. I also get frustrated with people’s responses to adoptions. To an adoptive couple they might say, “Oh you are both so wonderful to rescue that unwanted baby. What person could give away their child?” To birthmother’s they say things like, “you’re such a hero,” how can I be a hero and also be the ogre who just “gave away my baby”? It’s never made any sense to me. I did what was right for me and for Gabby. I wasn’t ready to be a parent. That’s not an easy thing to admit when you’re 23. I was about to graduate from college, it wasn’t as if I was 15 and still in school. But I knew that parenting was a tough job and I knew I would be doing it alone. I wasn’t ready. I knew as soon as I spent any time with the parents I chose for her that I’d made the right decision. We had an adoption ceremony when I signed my relinquishment papers. It was a difficult time, but I didn’t once doubt my decision.
Before Gabby went home with her parents she and I and my mom spent a couple of days together in a foster home. My mom and I were able to bond with her and tell her how much we loved her. When it was time we had an adoption ceremony. I signed my relinquishment papers and we exchanged prayers, hopes and dreams for her future and our future. The experience was bitter- sweet. I was sure of my decision and yet I was very sad. Saying good-bye, watching them leave with her while my mom and I left empty handed was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
In retrospect, the whole experience made me more confident in myself and my ability to cope. I was also able to become closer to my mom. We connected in a way that I never thought possible before that time. She supported me with the open adoption when other family members could not and she helped me through when I know that she was suffering along with me. The magical thing is that I gained so much from my adoption story. I learned a lot about love. I think that's what makes so many of these life experiences so scary. To really love someone you make yourself so vulnerable and so open to get hurt. It was in loving Gabby and her parents that I learned that it's okay to put yourself out there like that. When you make yourself so open, sure you can get slammed, but the reward is so awesome! The love that returns to you is a miracle. I try to tell people that I felt God had chosen me to be a vessle to carry this child for someone else.
After I got through the pain of losing her, I saw all that was gained. I'm very grateful that I had her and that my life was changed in such a positive way.
Here's an odd tidbit, my eldest son and Gabby share the same birthdate. They are 3 years apart in age and very similar in personality. They get along famously. They refer to each other as half brother and sister--a word I never used with CJ. I let them define thier own relationship. Luckily, all the kids get along so well. They love and support each other without any coaching from thier parents. It's so awesome to see them all together. It makes me so proud that this is my family.
(The first picture above is during the adoption ceremony when Gabby was placed in her parents arms. The second picture is of my mom and I giving Gabby a bath at the foster home where we stayed with her for a couple of days before the ceremony. The next picture is of me, Gabby, her parents, my mom and her other grandparents the day of the ceremony. The final picture is of all the kids at the lake this summer. For the life of me I can't figure out how to put captions under the pictures without jacking up the text. Sorry!)
