A Patriots' Confession

In my mind I've wanted to create a post about the current political climate and my role in it. Unfortunately, I don't think I have the intelligence to fully articulate my feelings. Please bear with me.

As I was running yesterday in a 5K for Veterans, I was thinking to myself, "What the hell does running this 5K have anything to do with Veterans?" Listening to the cadence of my footfalls I said a short prayer for those serving our country abroad. I thought about how much I wished our troops could just come home. I thought about how I would feel if Craig had to be deployed. I thought about how angry I would be to know he was over there "fighting terrorism" and there seemed to be no light at the end of that tunnel. I suppose that answered my own question about the purpose of the run. It was great to see the military members who ran to support their comrades.

Okay, here comes the political part. I was raised by a conservative republican dad who was a fighter pilot in the Air Force. He's very right winged where as my mom was more or less an "independent" who later registered republican so she could vote in the primary. She was raised by a man who was a union steward for the railroad. I think in her heart she was a democrat. Well, when it came time for me to register to vote at 18, I registered republican, wanting to make my parents proud, but also not understanding much except that the current president was republican.

Don't start throwing rotten tomatoes at me. I thought I was doing the right thing. Now that I'm older, I'm not even remotely sure what the right thing is in the political arena. I know that when given the choice between Bush and Kerry, I was really stumped. The choice was equally bad!! I guess I thought that Bush should finish what he started in the Gulf and clean up his mess. Now with the recent Supreme Court nominations, I see where my choice was so egregiously flawed.

Being a military spouse I see politics in a very confusing light. I see a large group of people who are fervent patriots, who wouldn't say a bad thing about the administration because they see it as treason. I see many who serve and don't even understand the depth of what to serve means. I see religious zealots who think nothing morally of what it means to be a nuclear officer. Does that make any sense? This base is a missile base. That means that currently Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles are our main mission. We train to launch these missiles and work to be the fighting force of nuclear deterrents to the rest of the world.

I've had many discussions with my husband regarding the moral implications of his job and training, what it means to me, our children. I've talked about how it floors me that most other's in my position look at me like I've grown a third eye when I talk about that issue in terms of, "how does it make you feel to know that your husband is trained to destroy the world as we know it?"

I live with a guy who thinks that although he would never burn the flag that doing just that might be one of the most democratic things you can do. That is showing that we are so free we can destroy the symbol of our country without repercussions. He says, "I may not agree with what you say, but I will fight to the death to give you the freedom to say it!" I know he didn't make that up, but he believes it with his whole heart. That's one of the things I love and admire about him.

So that's the dirty secret I carry. I'm a republican. I really feel shame about George W. Bush being our president. I feel let down and misguided. I feel so conflicted about the war in Iraq. I never supported the idea of going over there. I DID know from the beginning that it was wrong. But now I feel like we have no choice but to stay and clean up the mess that we've made. Each and every day I hope and pray our troops will soon return. This month our base will loose a large number of troops to a deployment in the Middle East. I know these guys. I know their wives and kids. They will be gone through the holidays and be put in harms way to help the "war on terror". I am saddened that maybe I had something to do with their departure. I'm ashamed because I'm glad my husband doesn't have to go.

It seems that the worse thing about the current administration is that it has made proud, voting Americans shameful of being American and not want to vote. It's ironic that bringing democracy to the Middle East is one of the administrations objectives when they can't even instill civic pride and decrease voter apathy in our own country.